you always end on a jade's trick;

 

i also grew up with twi. my parents are from ghana, and twi is the main language of the asante people and the fante people, groups my parents are a part of. there are different dialects of it–a good comparison is to think of twi as english, where my father speaks midwestern “standard american” english, and my mother sounds like she’s from new england, maybe boston. except it’s africa, and ghana, and the asante and fante tribe, and twi, not english.

 

but the point is.

 

the point is that right now, i only understand twi. i don’t speak it, but if it’s spoken to me, about 90% of the time, i get it. i used to speak it, when i was small. it’s technically the first language i ever knew. i was also taught english, because i was born and have always lived in america, and it’s the most common language here, and the language the american government functions in, and thus, the educational system. but back then, when i was small, before a lot of what i can remember, they were equal. twi was just as much my first language as english ever was.

 

then i went to school. you know, the american public school system, though the same would’ve happened if i went to american private school, ‘cept i’d probably be a bit more an asshole.

 

i lost the ability to speak most of it then. i still understood it, but couldn’t speak besides some basic phrases, your basic hi and goodbye and how are you. if my dad or mom speak to me in it, i understand fluently–it doesn’t need translating in my head–but i respond in english. i like to think myself of loving ghana and being asante and fante, and yet, by my actions, i am more american than i am anything else. my favorite bands are in english, my favorite books are not only in english but are set in america, and my favorite movies are in english, and everything i make, as a creator, is made in that language.

 

of course, we can go back and examine things a bit more, because the fact of the matter is that english isn’t my primary language just because of the american public school system, though that was the biggest personal factor. because ghana was colonized along with most of africa in the european land grab back in the 19th century, and we’re the first subsaharan nation to get independence, which is a real point of pride there, in that place that i’ve been told is mine and yet have never been to. and english has been there since the 19th century, and the english set up english-language schools, and when my father was in elementary he was beaten for speaking twi, and for not speaking english, because twi was primitive and wrong and not godly. and so my parents learned english. didn’t forget their language, but grew up around english, grew up with english as a constant presence and are thus fluent in it to the point where it’s basically just as native as twi to them, with a few caveats.

 

i can’t speak twi, though. and i think a lot not being able to speak twi and think about the fact that when i argue i argue in english, with the same language that was forced upon my parents and their nation because of colonialism. i think about how, when i was young, i would make fun of their ghanaian accents with my sister. i think a lot about how, now, whenever i try to push back against the way things are, i use the same language as the people who made things this way.

 

of course, i don’t think the english language itself is evil. that’d be pretty nonsensical, since i spend basically all of my free time in love with it and how it can be used to be soft and cruel and convey the depths of my emotions. i couldn’t hate the language i write my fic and stories in, except for those times where i can’t really find the right turn of phrase. and i wouldn’t say that english in itself is colonization, because i don’t think it is. languages spread and grow and change and always will, regardless of how it’s used.

 

but anything can be used as a tool of imperialism. english is the language i am fluent in, and that doesn’t make english imperialism, but it makes my knowing it because of imperialism. i think it’s such an unknowingly sinister way to shape someone’s mind the way you want it to be. we say a lot that those with power and those who have had it before them can make you do things and make you say things, but can never make you think things. but i think in english.

 

again, i’m gonna go back to listening to songs in english and panicking about finals in english and loving my friends in english. but i try a lot to learn twi now, and to speak it more, and try to remember the tongue. i don’t know. maybe it’s my little bit of rebellion, or my way of trying to figure out what’s home.

 

#for folks on mobile there's a cut i know sometimes the app doesn't show it #anyway as for my rambly essay-ish thing: #of course that's not all of it #you can force a language on someone and they can very much turn it around and make it theirs #whether that be aave or pidgin or creole english #and even standardized english and what that's generally meant to mean can be useful #mlk used it in his ''i have a dream speech'' and when you're trying to communicate across groups with differing dialects it's helpful #this was more talking about my life and how i've been personally affected by linguistic imperialism #i hope it doesn't look like i'm drawing a good/bad dichotomy here #ella rambles